10 Songs You Wouldn't Think I Own (That I Own)

 What I do now, I do in service of my country.

This will be one of the most difficult things I've ever posted. Why? Because I'm cool. I'm so cool, I make this guy look like your younger brother who is gross and wants to go into your room while your friends are over:



I'd post my picture, but this one would cramp its style.

Because I want to feel closer to you, my friends, I need to make a connection and somehow make you feel like we are equals. Or maybe we all just need to laugh at something right now. Anything! If it's me, then so be it. My gift to you is this post revealing some music that, in all honesty, surprises even me to be in my collection. I want you to know how difficult this is for me to do, mainly because there's nothing cool about these songs.
For girls, embarrassing music is no big deal. Sure, they say they have embarrassing music, but they're not actually embarrassed by it. They can listen to anything they want, mostly free from judgment. You can try to convince me otherwise if you want, but the fact remains that if my wife has the same Spice Girls song in her music player that I do, she isn't receiving the same ridicule as I am. That's just how it is. Let's move on before you think I have a Spice Girls song in my player, which I don't.


I DON'T!!!

Just one more thing - I'm going to be totally honest with what I'm about to say. I may try to excuse some of these songs. Others, I really, truly don't know how they got in my player. But it would serve no purpose to lie, because then what's the point of admitting this to you? So without further hesitation or procrastination, here are the worst of the worst for your laughing pleasure. Don't say I never gave you anything.

1.  Little April Shower - Disney Chorus

I'm starting out a bit easy here. Of COURSE it makes sense that I would have Disney songs in my playlist! This one is here for a simpler reason: It makes me feel like a kid again. I don't have memories of watching Bambi when I was young, but the sound of this song gives me that feeling that I sometimes like to have. I don't care how hardcore you are. Even the biggest, baddest men began as little Disney-loving children.

2.  Material Girl - Madonna

So, now we get started. Yup, I found this in my phone the other day and quickly shut it off, put it in a drawer, locked it up, and hoped that no one saw. But you know, as afraid as I was of my own femininity at that moment, I was still humming away to the song in my head. Go ahead. Click on the video and tell me you aren't doing the same!

3.  She Works Hard For the Money - Donna Summer

Let's get one thing straight... I HATE disco! It's a genre that broke through the 70's, and infected the early 80's like that stuff that sticks to the bottoms of your shoes when walking through Walmart. Maybe this song isn't pure disco, but the feeling I get listening to it sure seems similar. I don't even like this song, so what happened?

4.  Can't Smile Without You - Barry Manilow

I believe Barry Manilow is one of those artists who has at least one song that any man will love if they give it a chance. It's just that most don't. Well, I did, and guess what? It wasn't this song. It was "Weekend in New England," and I can defend that one very easily. But this song isn't usually the one men will admit to liking. We don't do cutesy!

5.  A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton

So, not all songs are in my music player due to their merit. Some wouldn't have been on my radar at all if it weren't for the memory associated with them. Whenever I hear this song and that piano starts to play, I'm taken back to the days of hanging out with my sister Anita in the early 2000s, who was easily my best friend at the time. We'd go out to dinner really late at Denny's and enjoy salt, sugar, and lard in epic proportions. But we had our cousin, Salina, with us when this particular song came on the radio. Why I thought it was funny to sing along to, I can't say now. But it makes for a memory I wouldn't trade for anything.

And what the heck? It's a good song!

6.  He's So Shy - The Pointer Sisters

Then we have songs like this. All I can tell you is that I've always had a thing for 80's pop music. I'm an 80's kid, so of course I do! So why am I so embarrassed about this one? Like others on this list, I think I'd probably be embarrassed by any songs a heterosexual male couldn't sing out loud with.

7.  Fame - Irene Cara

It took me a while to remember why I even have this song. Once I did, so many other songs made sense! I was about to attend a friend's 80's-themed party (like THOSE are ever realistic... we didn't dress like that in the 80's!), and I was in charge of music. I needed 100% pure and typical 80's songs, and my good friend Debi came through. She didn't even have to go home and raid her vintage collection. She had those shiny gems with her right there on the spot! I guess I kept this one.

8.  I Wanna Be Your Lover - Prince

So I'm not really embarrassed to have this song. Not at all. I'm happy to claim ownership of many Prince songs. But here's the thing. I listen to this music through my phone in an office at work. I keep my phone wide open, right there beside me. When this song comes on, sure, I like it, but I immediately close the cover for fear that someone walks by, takes a quick glance at the digital album cover, and begins questioning their co-worker. I mean, come on, Prince! We all know you're sexy. But do you have to be so dang sexy on your album covers, too?

And this isn't even his sexiest one!

9. Love Me That Way - Joey McIntyre

*sigh*  For those of you who don't know, Joey McIntyre is an actor. Or, he has done some acting in a show. Maybe two or three.... Ok, fine. That's not his claim to fame. Nor is his solo career. No, he's famous for being the "young one" in a little group known as the New Kids on the Block, which hopefully explains the sap of this song, and hopefully doesn't explain at all why it's in my music collection. It's another one I don't like and I don't know how it got there, but now you know it's there and I can't take that back.

10.  Nobody Wants to Be Lonely - Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera

You know what? I don't have to explain myself to you!

Parting Words

"I don't believe in guilty pleasures. If you f*ing like something, like it. That's what's wrong with our generation: that residual punk rock guilt, like, 'You're not supposed to like that. That's not f*ing cool.'  Don't f*ing think it's not cool to like Britney Spears' "Toxic." It is cool to like Britney Spears' "Toxic"! Why the f*** not? That's who I am! That whole guilty pleasure thing is full of f*ing sh*t."

~Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters

And then he kissed his mother with that mouth.