Open Letter to Oreo

Hi Oreo. Your friend John here. I see you've been doing very well, and I'm happy for you! You've got all kinds of different flavors these days. I've seen you in peanut butter, mint, and party flavors. I've even seen you BRAZENLY add a cookies 'n cream Oreo! I mean, you DO realize that whenever we get cookies 'n cream in anything, YOU are the "cookies" part, right? Who but you would even attempt such delicious over-the-top narcissism? 

Small-picture thinkers see Oreo Blizzard Oreos. Big-picture thinkers see ingredients for Oreo Blizzard Oreo Blizzards!

I've seen you in miniaturized form, something you must have done so we wouldn't feel badly about ourselves for eating many of you at a time (though we were already doing it, anyway). I've seen you attempt the near-impossible and limit your flavor to 100 calorie packs, placed in pouches for our convenience, because you understand that for those of us trying to lose weight, we still need our fix! And I've even seen you go above and beyond the Double Stuf with an epic MEGA Stuf! You're in cakes, pies, ice cream, yogurt, and anything your creative fans wish to incorporate you in. Yes, Oreo, I'm very happy for your success.

However, there is one thing that eats me (though why anything would eat me rather than you, I have NO idea). Due to a recent medical need, I've had to cut sugars from my diet, which is nothing short of Earth-shattering for any life-long friend of yours. It was a truly sad day for me when I learned of this, and the darkness prevailed. No cheesecake, no ice cream, no pie, and worst of all, no Oreos. My body would shake and my lips would quiver every time I saw you in the grocery store. If someone around me was eating an Oreo, I would excuse myself and head to the nearest dark corner and violently weep.

But, you know, in a manly way.

But... just today someone told me a tale of the Sugar-Free Oreo! Hope! Music is sweeter, colors are brighter, and my taste buds feel reason to exist once again! I rushed to my nearest information-delivering device, from which I am now typing to you, to find where I can buy this wonderful product of Nabisco! And with that, you probably know where this sad tale is going.

Oreo, how could you discontinue the Sugar-Free version? The thing is, I'm not even mad. Just sad and disappointed. We had such a journey together, and now I have to leave you behind. It's so unnecessary, Oreo. So tragic when you hold the key to our relationship right there in your hands! It is unfortunate that you make me choose, because I must always choose Life. I must choose Life in its dark, tasteless, Oreo-less form. At first I thought it was me. What was wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? But after looking through your Facebook comments (yes, I still shamefully stalk you like a crazy ex-girlfriend), I see how many others you've left behind. Others who have begged and pleaded with you to bring back the Sugar-Free Oreo. What kind of angry, spiteful people do you think we are that you would do this to us? No, Oreo. YOU are the Nomster. We're surviving as best we can, and we'll get through. I know you'll be fine, too, as your huge success shows. But should you ever decide to bring back the Sugar-Free Oreo, we'll be waiting to take you back with open arms just like the crazy exes we are. Because we love you, and that's what love is.

Yours in memory,

John